What is People Pleasing?
People Pleasing Isn’t Kindness, it’s a Confidence Issue
“I’m not a people pleaser, I’m just being kind.”
It’s something I hear a lot, and if we’re honest, it’s something many of us have said about ourselves.
In a recent episode of Confidence Conversations Podcast, therapist and learning & development specialist Chris Mooney and I explored why that statement deserves a bigger conversation, because while kindness and people pleasing can look similar on the surface, they come from very different places.
One builds confidence.
The other quietly erodes it.
What is people pleasing, really?
Chris describes people pleasing as consistently putting the needs and comfort of others above our own, often to our own detriment.
It’s the moment when:
- You say yes, while your inner voice is screaming no
- You walk away wondering, “Why did I agree to that?”
- You feel resentful, exhausted, or taken for granted, but can’t quite say why
At its core, people pleasing isn’t about generosity.
It’s about fear.
Fear of:
- Disapproval
- Conflict
- Rejection
- Abandonment
And ultimately, fear that our worth depends on keeping others happy.
Who People Pleases?
Short answer? Almost everyone, at some point.
People pleasing isn’t limited by age, gender, or background. But many patterns can be traced back to early experiences, especially when love or approval felt conditional.
- Being the “good one.”
- Doing what was expected.
- Getting it right.
- Not causing problems.
Over time, those patterns turn into habits and before we know it, we’re fully grown adults still obeying and following old rules we didn’t consciously choose.
Chris also points out that people pleasing often shows up strongly in:
- Caring professions (coaching, teaching, healthcare, HR)
- High achievers and perfectionists
- People who dislike conflict or struggle with confrontation
And while it’s often stereotyped as a “women’s issue,” men experience it too, it just tends to show up differently or get talked about less.
The Hidden Cost of Always Saying Yes
One of the clearest signs of people pleasing isn’t what happens in the moment, it’s what happens after.
People pleasing shows up later as:
- Exhaustion from over‑committing
- Low‑level resentment that keeps bubbling up
- Difficulty expressing disagreement
- Poor or porous boundaries
- A creeping sense of burnout
As Chris put it so powerfully:
“The problem with always putting everyone else first is that you teach them — and yourself — that you come last.”
Over time, that message slowly chips away at your confidence, your self‑trust, and your self‑worth.
Kindness vs People Pleasing: The Difference
This was one of my favourite moments in the conversation.
There is a difference between kindness and people pleasing, and while it can be subtle, it’s important.
Kindness:
- Comes from choice
- Includes you in the equation
- Respects boundaries
- Is sustainable
People pleasing:
- Comes from fear
- Discounts your needs
- Abandons boundaries
- Leads to resentment and burnout
Kind people can say no. Nice people can be clear. Being kind doesn’t require you to make yourself smaller.
Or, as Brené Brown puts it in one of my favourite quotes: Clear is kind
“No” is a complete sentence!
Many people will say, “I’m fine saying no.”
But when we listen more closely, what often follows is:
- An apology
- An explanation
- A justification
- Or all three
“I’m really sorry, but…”
“I’d love to help, it’s just…”
“I’m afraid I can’t…”
And suddenly, the no gets lost.
Chris reminds us that while we can be respectful and warm, we don’t need to apologise for having boundaries — and we don’t need to over‑explain to earn permission.
Noticing when you do this is the first step. Awareness comes before change.
A simple, powerful exercise
Need a practical way to work on your people pleaser? One of the tools Chris shared was this:
Track your yeses for a week.
Just notice:
- When you say yes automatically
- How you feel afterwards
- Who it happens with most
Patterns don’t lie.
This isn’t about judging yourself, it’s about building awareness. Many people are surprised by how often they say yes out of habit, fear, or obligation rather than genuine choice.
But what about the guilt of saying no
Guilt is often what stops people from changing.
Chris is very clear on this: If you start setting boundaries, there will be guilt.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It usually means you’re doing something new. Guilt fades with practice — especially when you remember:
- You’re not responsible for managing other people’s emotions
- Supporting someone doesn’t mean rescuing them
- Discomfort doesn’t equal danger
And yes, some people won’t like the change, because your boundaries require them to adjust too.
That’s not a sign to stop.
Having confidence to say no doesn’t mean becoming hard
One of the biggest myths around confidence is that it means becoming tougher, colder, or less caring.
It doesn’t.
Confidence is about self‑trust. Trusting that you can be:
- Clear and kind
- Honest and respectful
- Boundaried and (self) compassionate
People pleasing isn’t a personality trait, it’s a pattern. And patterns can be unlearned.
And finally
Where might you be calling people pleasing “kindness”, when it’s actually costing you your energy, confidence, or wellbeing?
If this is a topic that resonated with you, and you’re struggling or battling with your people pleaser, then you need to listen / watch the full episode with Chris.
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/296vvMDwLxn8TZJRf6aOoK?si=dTqoEDUxSLu4ay3w3RVvPQ
Watch on YouTube:
Connect with Chris: https://www.therapywithchris.co.uk/
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